Dancing with the Stars Recap: March 26, 2012 - Tv Food and Drink

When it comes to Dancing with the Stars, I?m an old man.

I don?t like change (the pointless and lackluster tweets that now fill the lower third of the screen).

I don?t like rebellion (So many tattoos! ?Don?t men woo women with a fiddle serenade anymore?).

And I really, really don?t like the way young people start every internet comment with ?Ummmmm??

That last one?s got nothing to do with Dancing with the Stars, but it really fries my clams!

Anyway, please keep in mind my increasingly furious dash towards the land of fuddy-duddies and pants so high they create nipple-chafe as you read my recap. ?I don?t mean to put the bunk on everything, it?s just who I am. Besides, it?s already 10:15 at night and I have to go to bed soon. ?If I don?t get a full eleven hours, I won?t be able to poop tomorrow.

Now that you all understand me a tad better, let?s take a look at the second week of competition on the, say it with me now,? ?most competitive season? ever!?
?

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower ? QuickStep ? I don?t know who this here Roshon Fegan is, and I worry that with each passing season of Dancing with the Stars, I?m increasingly oblivious to the identities of all these celebrities. ?Oh television demographics, I am well aware that I?m getting so old that in five years, my screen will permanently be locked between The Hallmark Channel, ION and a blank blue screen because I won?t know how to work the next generation of home entertainment units, but must you rub it in this bitterly this early on?

The dance was energetic and relatively flawless, but I was immediately distracted by the scrolling diamonds in the background and all that giant money on the floor! ?You know, if you took all the money I?ve earned in my selected profession this past year, you?d realize you could probably hire me to mop up that floor at the end of the night for a couple of bucks and an apple.

As for the dance, Len called it ?young and fresh.? ?Bruno said something about ?a bolt of lightning? and then called it ?chicky? which I think means, ?cheeky.? ?Carrie Ann praised the technique and called Roshon ?her little prince.? ?Somewhere, Antoine de Saint-Exup?ry is smiling. ?(Anyone?)??SCORE: 26/30

Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy danced the Jive. ?In the rehearsal package, Sherri was concerned that Val wouldn?t be able to pick her up. ? I?d be concerned too. ?I tried to flip my mattress earlier tonight by myself and something in my lower back went, ?ker-PLEWY!? ?Val looks like he might be in slightly better shape than I am though, and maybe a few months younger, so I?m guessing he could handle it. ?As for Sherri, the girl knows how to shake it. ?She should demand to wear fringe on this show every week! ?She flubbed the steps a bit, and in the battle of the?Chmerkovskiy brothers, Val is definitely a silver medal, but the judges still went ?ker-PLEWY? over the performance. ?Carrie Ann called it a ?phenomenal routine? and celebrated her energy. ?Len: ?I love watching you.? Bruno hopped around like the gay guys at my gym when they heard Revenge got a full-season pick-up

SCORE: ?23/30. ?Sherri delivered her iconic sass, and mentioned for the thirtieth time that she is ?thick.? ?And how cute is Sherri?s son?
Melissa Gilbert and Maksim?Chmerkovskiy ? QuickStep ? Melissa starts by reflecting that last week she got a 23, so ?there?s no place to go but up!? ?Well, Half Pint, we all know what that means. ?Michael Bolton?s got a club he?d like you to join.

Does anyone else think Melissa looks really out of her element and uncomfortable on the floor? ?I was fully expecting a fall the entire time? and it made me nervous? the same way I was when Precious let Mo?nique hold that baby.

Carrie Ann reprimanded Melissa for improper shoulder placement. ?Len praised the posture and the movement, but said it slowly fell apart as her energy diminished. ?A restrained Bruno (always a bad sign) liked the speed, but said it lacked fluidity. ?SCORE: 20/30

Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya ? the Jive ? Apparently, Jack didn?t receive the memo that brown and pumpkin haven?t been seen together on television since the Sweathogs attended the prom on Welcome Back, Kotter.
It was really distracting, but not as distracting as Jack?s ?dancing for my life? enthusiasm that, in any guy over the age of 22, comes across as, politely, ?a stretch? (impolitely, ?desperate?). ? And unfortunately, the camera went in on a close-up right as Jack decided to give ?crazy face? the likes of which we haven?t seen since Bachelor Jake Pavelka?s season. ? ?SCORE: 21/30?

Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus ? QuickStep ? What has that nice young man done to his right arm? ?Doesn?t he know he?s going to have to live with that the rest of his life?

As is usually the case with ?competitors of a certain age,? the bar always seems to be set a little lower the first few weeks. ?Gladys did ?just fine? in a performance that was ?almost ambitious,? but the best part was that swirly metallic blue and purple dress that reminded me of the underwater unicorns and naive young nymphs brushing their magical foamy hair on those new-agey?greeting cards you can buy at every candle shop in Portland. ?SCORE ? 19/30 ? Evil Len gave her a five.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas ? The Jive ? Katherine used the word ?Mark? and the words, ?sassy,? ?sexy,? and ?raunchy? all in the same sentence. ? I don?t know what the judges will think of the dance, but I noticed after that sentence my toes were already giving Mark a 10. ?If you?ve read any of my past DWTS recaps, you know I like Mark, even though every time he opens his mouth, he sounds a little like Rainbow Brite.

As far as I?m concerned, Mark and Katherine are the hottest pairing this season. And the footwork only bolstered that assessment. ? Last week, Katherine was demure and sophisticated. ?This week she was a hyper-kinetic 1960s sex snake. ?I could totally see this chick pull a poison pillbox hatpin on Sean Connery right before she gets painted gold. SCORE: 26/30

Jaleel White and Kym Johnson ? The Jive ? Did anyone else catch Jaleel on Psych this week? ?This is the most I have seen the guy on my television in ten years. ? I may have to celebrate his career resurgence with a tasty bowl of Urkel-O?s before I hit my pillow tonight. We?ll see how it goes.

Their Jive had a ?retro diner? theme going on. ?Jaleel played soda jerk, and Kym played the girl in those 1950?s educational films that gives nice boys the clap. ?It wasn?t bad, but it wasn?t memorable. ?Len agreed: ?It lacked attack and speed. ?It wasn?t sharp.?? Bruno: ?It was quirky and different.? ?Carrie Ann: ?Solid, but it didn?t have that extra sparkle.? SCORE 22/30 ? a big dip from last week.

Maria Menounos and Derek Hough ? Derek?s burglar mask reminded me of something out of one of those animated title sequences from The Pink Panther movies. ?I was completely bored, plus they fell out of sync. ?And I don?t mean they just fell a little out of sync. ?If I notice it, it?s really bad! ?I don?t notice anything. ?My fish was dead for so long in the tank all the other fish ate it up until there was nothing but a floating head bobbing near the filter.

Carrie Ann was with me on the underwhelming performance: ?It was going so well, until? (sad face)? ?Len: ?I would have liked more body contact, but after last week it was an improvement.? ?Overall though, they got props for their speed and control. ?But when the only thing Tom Bergeron can come up with for a compliment is, ?You survived it,? that?s all you need to know.

SCORE: ?25/30 ? now if Derek can combine that bank robber mask with the little sleeveless number he wore during rehearsal, I?ve got a show I can sell to LOGO.

Martina Navratilova and Tony Dovolani ? The Jive ? Forget that Martina was completely off at the start of the dance, I had to pause my tv to give that ensemble a full gander. It?s something like ?Barbara Eden? meets ?Jacques Cousteau? meets ?Back End of Horse Costume.? ?Remember that episode where Lucy bought Ethel those really tacky ?hostess pants? for her birthday?

Did Martina forget to show up to rehearsal this week? ?From the bad footwork to the clumsy run across the floor to fake a smooch with Carrie Ann? I demonstrated more finesse emptying out the cat box last night in the rain.

Carrie Ann: ?Awww? that was sad? (repeat sad face)? ?Len: ?You?ve got to come out and attack these dances!? ?Bruno made a tennis analogy I wouldn?t have understood even if it wasn?t lame.?SCORE: 17/30

Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd ? This guy is a competitor. ?The athletes on this show always are? unless you?re Kurt Warner, or Martina Navratilova, or anyone who makes a living playing golf. ?Donald and Peta looked good together, they seemed to pop around the floor effortlessly, and most importantly, Donald looked like he could have done it all with his eyes closed.

Len: ?Let me say, that performance was up there with the best I?ve seen tonight.. ?But also let me say that? I watched back last week?s show, and I apologize. ?I under-marked you.? Bruno: ?Refined and elegant!? Carrie Ann: ?Your hold was beautiful. ?You were working Peta across the dance floor with a smooth elegant charm. ?Nice!? ?SCORE: 24/30

Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff ? The Jive ? ?Does Gavin really like hats, or is he losing his hair? ?Google Image him? I?m telling you, it?s ?one or the other. ?The Wild One look was hot, but the moves were slow and heavy.

Carrie Ann was kind: ?You really went for it! ?You went way past what you felt comfortable doing.? Bruno got positively horny, like he?d just choked down a fist full of green MnM?s: ?How you dooooooing, Gavin? ?Leather does wonderrrrrs for you? and for meeeeeee!? Now, if I can just get Gavin to return Bruno?s affections, I?ve got a show LOGO can pair with my other show for them, Derek Hough Wears a Burglar Mask and a Tight Sleeveless Tee While Eating Grapes on a Bear Skin Rug ?SCORE: 21/30

William Levy and Cheryl Burke ? the QuickStep ? I?ve never seen a guy look bad when paired with Cheryl Burke, and I don?t think I?ve ever seen Cheryl paired with a guy who wouldn?t look out of place on the cover of Details magazine. ?The dance was classy and well-executed. ?I don?t know who William Levy is, but the women in the ball room sure love him. ?The length of cheering alone at the end of their dance is gonna push Castle?s start time. ?I hope people adjusted their DVR or they won?t know who the murderer is (HINT: It?s the person who got top ?Guest Star? billing).

Nines from Bruno and Carrie Ann, ?a seven from grumpy Len. ?SCORE: 25/30, and remember Cheryl?s promise? the higher the scores William gets in the weeks ahead, the more clothes I?ll take off? or something like that.

HICH SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Katherine and Mark
LOW SCORE OF THE NIGHT: Martina and Tony

WHO?S GOING HOME??Last week, I called Martina as the first to go this season. ?I stand by that prediction after tonight. ?Anyone want a slightly used pair of hostess pants? See you next week!

Source: http://tvfoodanddrink.com/2012/03/dancing-stars-march-26-2012-top-tweets/

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